Literally Taking the P*ss: Ten New Faces That Should’ve Been in Smash Bros 4

In the run up to the new Smash Bros., it seemed like everyone who knew that Smash Bros. is a Nintendo-ey crossover fighting game and not an obscure 80’s band was reeling off lists of characters they’d like.

Thankfully this is over. Let’s celebrate with another list.

(This nonsense was inspired by the wording in the title of Ewan Moore’s list from right after the Villager/Wii Fit Trainer/Mega Man reveal in June 2013. Remember, to quote my own ‘about’ page: “…likes wordplay, perhaps a little too much”.)

It starts off relatively sane and gets sillier as the list goes on…

Majora’s Mask

A lot of people want Skull Kid in Majora’s Mask, and he’s in there as a trophy. This is not him as a character. This is just the mask. Masks are basically temporary stick-on faces for when your own won’t do for some reason so it counts. It even grows arms and legs and stuff in the final battle so it’s clearly capable of fighting. Next.

 

Andross

Andross is a scientist who through science managed to transform himself into a giant floating head. Did Einstein do that? Did Feynman, Mendelev or Hawking? No, which is why they’re posers.

Since many characters in Smash Bros 4 (which is what I’m calling it) have multiple costumes polygon-face Andross and full ape-head Andross could be the same character.

 

 

That Zelda Boss

You know, that one. He(?)’s in Wind Waker and Minish Cap and there’s one very similar in Ocarina. Not sure why Nintendo and games in general are so obsessed with the idea of a big face with floaty, un-attached smashy hands as a boss.

I’m serious, the first boss in Star Fox Assault is Andrew Oikonny, nephew of series villain and list-member Andross. Not being a successful mad scientist like his dear old uncle Andrew hasn’t quite managed to somehow transform himself into just a giant floating head with detached hands, so he does the sensible thing and pilots a ship. Shaped like his head. With detached hands…

The Faces of Evil

Apparently the Faces if Evil aren’t characters but are the freaky giant stone faces on the world map in Link: The Faces of Evil which contain the game’s villains. So I guess this’d be a stage then. On this stage, the game suddenly controls like shite and any character who appeared on the CDi is re-voiced with quotes from it. This will definitely happen in the next Smash because Nintendo loves acknowledging the Philips CDi was a thing that ever existed.

Aparoid Pigma

Even more so than Wolf, whose personal rivalry with Fox McCloud stems from their professional rivalry, or Andross who actually killed his father; Pigma Dengar was always the most personal Star Fox villain. A trusted member of James McCloud’s team, Pigma sold them out to Andross, costing James his life.

The main threat in Star Fox Assault is the Aparoid, insectoid creatures who can possess and corrupt (mutate) machines and living matter alike. This befalls Pigma, who becomes a sort of circular space-station thing with a giant version of his face in the middle behind some flaps, spouting value-brand Borg crap like “We are the ultimate existence! You cannot resist us! You will join us!. Hardly “Daddy screamed REAL good, before he DIED!” is it? Putting the mess of metal, circuits and snout – who shows no signs of even knowing who he is/was any more – out of his misery seems an oddly impersonal fate for the pig/man/pig-man that betrayed your father.

 

That Demon Wall from Doom 2

He’s a demon… AND a wall?! Satan can do stuff like this I guess, since he rules hell he doesn’t have to bother with planning permission like the lesser demons do.

Greta Garbo

According to wikipedia’s disambiguation page for ‘Face’ (I was one short, OK?), Greta Garbo was nicknamed ‘the face’. Not quite sure how she’d handle herself faced with Bowser and Kirby however…

 

Face (The Alchemist)

Face is a conman. He’s a good conman as when his group’s plan goes mammaries-skyward he manages to betray and fleece them before they can do the same to him, leaving them penniless and himself unarrested, unhanged and still employed. In Smash I suppose he’d con other characters into jumping off the edge by convincing them there’s a big pile of coins/rupees/princesses down there.

Face is the central one in red.

Templeton ‘Faceman’ Peck

Face can fight, but he’s no Hannibal in that regard and he’s definitely no B.A. Baracus. I expect he’d handle Smash by trying to sweet-talk the greatly-expanded female roster to distract them (the 80s were a different time) while hoping a potent item will spawn that he can nab. Not sure how he’d try to handle male opponents, probably with something like the above Face’s con-tricks.

 

Before the final item, honourable mentions go to: Mount Rushmore; various Castlevania bosses; every moai head in video games ever (there’s a lot, some of which are Pokémon); The Faces; The Small Faces; and the giant robotic Abraham Lincoln statue’s head from Sam and Max Save the World.

 And finally…

YOUR FACE

Miis are in, but they just don’t do it justice. As soon as the match starts, your opponents would violently fling themselves of the stage ‘cos YOU SO UGLY!

Ok, that was mean. I’m sure you’re not that bad…

Images: Nintendo, Nintendo, Nintendo, Nintendo/Philips/Animation Magic, Nintendo/Namco, Id Software, Clarence Bull/MGM, Johann Zoffany, NBC/Universal Television, Shutterstock

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