Barry Scott: The Sitcom

So despite not having seen a Cillit Bang advert in years, since they’ve dropped him I’ve been slightly obsessed with Barry Scott.

I really want to write a kind of absurdist sitcom about a shunned, bitter Scott. Similar in tone to this fantastic Vice article, though without the conceit of the lines having become blurred between character and actor.

It’d basically be a two joke series.

  • Barry Scott is not a realistic person, and his lack of indoor voice was well explored comic territory in his heyday too. However, here he is placed not in the shiny world of his commercials but in a realistic one, and the resultant crippling loneliness is hilarious.
  • Since his firing, Barry hates Cillit Bang, but keeps encountering it in increasingly contrived and absurd ways.

Some example scenes:

  • Barry needs to render someone unconscious, and either cannot find chloroform and must use Cillit Bang, or quickly grabs a bottle of something and uses it only to discover it is Cillit Bang
  • Barry, either purposefully or inadvertently, kills someone. The only cleaning supplies he can find to cover this up are various Cillit Bang products, perhaps ultimately up to dissolving the body. Bang, and the evidence is gone.


Not entirely sure where I was going with this, just wanted to get it out my brain.


Science fights Giant Enemy Crab


So I recently had an article featured on user-submitted satirical website Newsbiscuit, after the title of this Guardian article tickled me.

The article I originally submitted was full length (<400 words), and appeared on the site edited  to fit their <200 category, a tussle with a crab hardly being frontpage news, as well as being heavily tweaked (rightly) to better fit the site’s tone and to be more accessible to anyone less familiar with the subject matter.

Anyway, thought I might as well stick the full original up here, I’m reasonably happy with it:

Continue reading

Funny and Sad

So a couple of things happened.

Firstly, I started a new twitter project which I should have called “Novels I’ll Never Write”, where for a year I’ll try to come up with an amusing opening to a novel, and try to make the concept of the book itself inherently funny too.

Secondly, my local bar/live music venue closed. The place meant a lot to a lot of people and I wrote a eulogy of sorts, which local Nottingham arts mag LeftLion were kind enough to host.

So yeah, neglecting the blog since I’ve had stuff going on elsewhere. At least that’s my excuse…

We’re the Millers; or, Damn it Hollywood you can’t always have it both ways!

It’s been a while since I saw We’re the Meet the Millers, so I apologise if I get anything wrong, but now is when I feel like writing about it. It’s also why I go on about the spider/testes situation so much, as the film was so middling (originally this was going to be a Mediocri-City article) that though I remember the plot I don’t remember too many specific scenes or jokes beyond that one.

You can’t have it both ways, Hollywood. No, put that wallet away. Money won’t help. It’s not that kind of problem. Yes. No, there are some problems you can’t just throw money at. Continue reading

East fucking Midlands, bitch!

Areet? I’m from the East Midlands – that place you all forgot about until I mentioned it just then.

Technically, the East Midlands is Derbyshire, Lincolnshire, Leicestershire, Nottinghamshire, and Northamptonshire. However Northamptonshire doesn’t seem to pull its weight up here in the north of the region. It feels different and they’re basically southern. We don’t count them.

Likewise most of Lincolnshire is solidly in the East Midlands, but to the south it gets all flat and a bit East Anglia-ey and yet it’s also the East Midlands county that extends furthest north, butting up to the mouth of the Humber at the top. In short, it’s got a bit of an identity crisis and we’re content to leave it alone until it’s figured itself out. Thanks for keeping the sea away from the rest of us though Lincolnshire, you’re doing us a solid. Continue reading

Literally Taking the P*ss: Ten New Faces That Should’ve Been in Smash Bros 4

In the run up to the new Smash Bros., it seemed like everyone who knew that Smash Bros. is a Nintendo-ey crossover fighting game and not an obscure 80’s band was reeling off lists of characters they’d like.

Thankfully this is over. Let’s celebrate with another list.

(This nonsense was inspired by the wording in the title of Ewan Moore’s list from right after the Villager/Wii Fit Trainer/Mega Man reveal in June 2013. Remember, to quote my own ‘about’ page: “…likes wordplay, perhaps a little too much”.)

It starts off relatively sane and gets sillier as the list goes on…

Continue reading